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Self- Compassion<\/em>.\u00a0 Does this phrase bring up thoughts of ego, self- centeredness and self- pity? It often does, because most of us were learned to fear mistakes and judgment when we made a mistake or did something WRONG as children. We also learned to feel guilt and even shame for those misbehaviors.\u00a0 Some of us high achieving perfectionists (you know who you are) have spent our lives beating ourselves up over real and even imagined imperfections. We tell ourselves, \u201cI really messed that up! Why am I so stupid?\u201d \u201cI\u2019m never going to get that job!\u201d \u201cI really bombed that big presentation!\u201d\u00a0 Negative criticism and guilt lead to anxiety which inhibits clear thinking and now we really can\u2019<\/em>t perform at our best.<\/p>\n What can we do to turn down that guilty, self- critical voice and start clear accurate self-reflection so we can do better next time? We can show ourselves some self- compassion! \u00a0In fact, people who are self- compassionate are more honest about their strengths and weaknesses and more resilient. IN turn they are more honest and forgiving of others.<\/p>\n So, what is self-compassion?\u00a0 According to researcher\/ author Kristen Neff, Ph.D. Self Compassion, <\/u>2011 Harper Collins, it is comprised of 3 components:<\/p>\n \u00a0<\/em>*self- kindness- an understanding and non -judgmental attitude<\/em><\/p>\n \u00a0<\/em>*recognition of our shared humanity- everyone makes mistakes; experiences pain <\/em><\/p>\n *Mindfulness- a full awareness of our experience<\/em><\/p>\n When we are fully present to our mistakes, weaknesses and suffering, without judgment, we are better able to problem solve.\u00a0 This clear thinking empowers positive action to comfort, soothe and motivate us to change and grow.\u00a0\u00a0 Facing our experience as it is<\/em> with kindness rather than amplifying it or avoiding it due to fear, helps us move forward. \u00a0Remembering that all humans are imperfect and experience pain in life, puts our experience and our self -worth in perspective. We have the courage to change.\u00a0 \u00a0As we approach ourselves with both honesty and kindness, we can also be positive and accepting of others and support them<\/em> to grow.<\/p>\n Let\u2019s take a business situation.<\/p>\n Dean (not his real name) worked in finance in a global corporation.\u00a0 He was extremely intelligent, detail -oriented, and trusted by the C-Suite.\u00a0 Dean\u2019s self -talk was critical most of the day, every day.\u00a0 He was convinced that sooner or later he would make a big mistake and could lose his job.\u00a0 The truth was he was highly valued and his boss, the CFO, often told him he was way too hard on himself.\u00a0 Still, he lived with anxiety and self- doubt about his performance.\u00a0 Unfortunately, he managed his people with the same highly critical attitude.\u00a0 He didn\u2019t dare take the time to just chat with them or go to lunch because there was too much to do.\u00a0 Not surprisingly, the only time they heard from Dean was when he found an error in their work and his feedback could be harsh.<\/p>\n As Dean\u2019s executive coach, I explained the neuroscience behind relentless negative self- criticism.\u00a0 We talked about how critical thinking is hampered by the anxiety it generates and over time performance suffers.<\/p>\n Conversely, mindful acceptance of a mistake allows us to face it without exaggerating it or shutting down due to fear.\u00a0 Reminding our self that everyone makes mistakes and that we are capable adults, enables the mind to clear so we problem solve and remedy the situation.\u00a0 As we turn the mind away from criticism toward acceptance with non- judgment, we relax and use our energy to create solutions. \u00a0As Dean practiced Mindful breathing every day, especially during times of challenge or mistakes, he experienced greater confidence with the big boss.\u00a0 Not surprisingly, he started to risk taking the time to chat with his direct reports and get to know and enjoy them.\u00a0 \u00a0When they did make a mistake, Dean approached employees with a teaching style, so they learned and developed their skills. \u00a0They in turn felt more valued and calmer which reduced their mistakes.<\/p>\n Self -compassion is not coddling ourselves. It is honest acceptance with recognition of our humanness, and it helps us address our mistakes with courage, creativity and resilience. Sounds like a sound self- improvement strategy to me!<\/p>\n <\/p>\n![\"\"](\"https:\/\/ascendconsulting.net\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/03\/graphicstock-accountant-businessman-working-in-office-having-a-stress_BOkxBD3vejl-300x200.jpg\")
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